Three Things I Learned From “Clash Of The Titans”

Knowing I could deny my innate love of Krakens for only so long, I finally checked out Clash Of The Titans.  In a word? Enh.  Which confounds me.  After all, if you wrote a list of reasons why this movie should be awesome, it would unfurl like one of those old-timey scrolls and roll across the room in a hilarious fashion.  Giant scorpions?  Check.  Badass monsters?  Check.  Krakens?  Buckle the f up.  But somewhere between its (unintentional?) portrayal of Medusa as a tragic rape victim and its moments of bizarre and inappropriate hilarity, it kind of lost me.  But the good news is that I learned something.  Three somethings, in fact.

1. Chewbacca’s glowing blue heart is made out of highly unstable explosives
2. The God who reports to Zeus at the forty minute mark has a hairstyle that could never be worn by a mortal man.  Who didn’t want to resemble a poodle.  Or get mercilessly beaten.
3. Ralph Fiennes needed a paycheck