Further Adventures In Customer Service

Transcript – Captain Spliff’s Bong Hut – 3:08 PM

Me: Do you guys sell – you know – really tiny ziplock bags?

Captain Spliff (CS): Came to the right place, broheim.

Me: Great. I need one.

CS: One? Can’t sell you one, man. They come in packs of a hundred.

Me: But…I don’t need a hundred. I only need one.

CS: And the next guy doesn’t need ninety-nine. Look, they’re only a couple of bucks –

Me: That’s not the point.

CS: Which is?

Me: Which is what am I supposed to do with ninety-nine ziplock bags?

CS: Whatever you want.

Me: Just let me pay double for one.

CS: That would only be, like, four cents.

Me: Four cents of profit.

CS: (Annoyed sigh) Dude, fine. Here’s a sample bag you can take for free. Have fun.

He hands me a small ziplock bag. A picture of a human skull – its eyes jammed full of marijuana leaves – smiles up from the plastic.

Me: I can’t use this – it’s for a Christmas present.

CS: You’re giving someone a ziplock bag for Christmas?

Me: No. It’s part of a Christmas present. It’s — look, it’s complicated. But I need one bag. Preferably without a dead guy on it.

CS: One hundred bags, coming up.

Me: (Mute rage)

CS rings up the sale on the register.

CS: Namaste.