I Regret Nothing

My fellow SIMPSONS fanatics might remember today’s headline as the line of dialogue screamed by an “Itchy and Scratchy” fan who literally dies while waiting in line for the psychotic cat and mouse’s animated movie. Well, screaming drawbridge guy, I couldn’t agree with you more. Speaking as someone who’s seen all 400 episodes of THE SIMPSONS – which, for those of you who are quick with a calculator, breaks down to 8.3 days of my life (not including reruns, DVD’s and quoting an episode at least once in every conversation for the past 18 years) – I can honestly say that I don’t regret a minute of it, including all eighty-seven I spent watching their first foray onto the big screen.

The story was tight, delivering comedy on par with the show’s fabled “Conan years”, and upped the ante by delivering gags far more risque than those seen in the show’s usual Sunday night timeslot. Characters had genuine emotional arcs that didn’t cannibalize the ground already covered in past episodes (an area which, by the way, is around the size of Jupiter). Even the score’s a winner – I’ve been listening to Hans Zimmer’s decidedly un-PIRATES work for two days straight and have to say I love it.

In fact, the only thing I’d change about the film would be adding resolution to the subplot involving Homer’s new pet Plopper, a.k.a. Spider-Pig, a.k.a. Harry Plopper. While I have my own guess as to what becomes of our hero’s porcine pal – which I’ll keep to myself rather than run the risk of spoiling anything – I have to wonder if he, along with the new character of Colin, will be counted as permanent residents of Springfield come the premiere of Season 19. And, for that matter, if the character who meets an untimely and hilariously painful end in the film will still be up and around for Episode 401. Either way, I’ll be there to watch every regret-free minute, happy that the wide, wonderful world of THE SIMPSONS was finally able to find a screen large enough to do it justice.