Coachellalternatives

It’s the end of April, which means – that’s right – it’s time for polo fields and mercurial temperatures to be combined as only the Coachella Music Festival can. An annual gathering of bands and 250,000 of their closest friends on a polo field roughly the size of Wisconsin, Coachella’s mecca for anyone who can endure temperatures that are even higher than their favorite music acts. And, judging by the amount of temps I’ve dealt with on the phone today, that’s pretty much every twenty-something in the southland.

Since lingering trauma from a Marco Polo-related catastrophe in my youth – referred to in family circles simply as “the incident” – means I won’t go anywhere within a hundred miles of that field (or wear polo shirts, play water polo or travel the Silk Road to China), I’ve created a weekend playlist as an alternative to going to the festival. It’s pretty much exactly like being at the show, only you don’t have to share a campsite with a heavily bearded guy whose chest tattoo identifies him as either “Stan” or “Satan” (you could probably figure it out but you don’t want to get caught staring), you won’t be listening to any bands that are actually at this year’s festival and you’ll be saving yourself $250.

COACHELLALTERNATIVES

NEW BORN / Muse – A song so awesome that by simply playing it over the end credits of “High Tension”, the director redeems himself of the movie’s lame ending.

OOH LA LA / Goldfrapp – Half the fun’s figuring out if she wants to kiss the guy or kill him. The other half’s giving it a second listen and realizing you were wrong.

CELLS / The Servant – At its heart, a song about a guy who wants a girl who’s willing to watch him play videogames. Can’t possibly imagine why I connect with this one.

MADE / Greg Weeks – The beautiful, morose soundtrack to Charlie White’s short “Pink”, which you need to check out here. Now.

SAN SIMEON / Goldfinger – Perhaps the only surf song ever written from William Randolph Hearst’s point of view.

STARING AT THE SUN / Simple Kid – A song that’ll take you back to the days of eclipse shoeboxes, whether you want it to or not.

TSUNAMI / Steriogram – This band’s the best thing to happen to New Zealand since its shift from an agrarian economy dependent on concessionary British market access to a more industrialized, free market economy that can compete globally (Thank you, Grade 7 social studies)

SOMETIMES THE SUN / The Lashes – The hipster version of “Rollercoaster of Love” (Ed. Note – Also how I describe myself)

IT’’S A WONDERFUL LIFE / Sparklehorse – One listen to this would have Frank Capra and Jimmy Stewart curled into the fetal position, numbly rocking back and forth.

HOMBRE / M.I.A. – A song about stealing wallets and hearts, not in that order.

NEVER ENDING STORY THEME SONG / New Found Glory – ‘Nuff said. From the unparalleled awesomeness of their “From the Screen to Your Stereo” disc.

24 / Jem – For some unknown reason, Jem’s about a mile ahead of any other artist on my play count list, leading me to believe I’ve gone through some terrible breakup that’s been completely erased from my memory.

COMMON PEOPLE / William Shatner – Yet another awesome cover by “The Shat”.

DRIVE AWAY – END TITLE / Thomas Newman – A funky, exotic instrumental selection from the “Series of Unfortunate Events” score. Fun to write to.

Since they aren’t for sale on iTunes, Iggy Pop’s PASSENGER, Man Man’s VAN HELSING BOOMBOX and Van Morrison’s MOONDANCE wanted to make the list but couldn’t. Luckily, it’s a big internet – I’m sure you’ll figure something out.